why blog?

I've decided to try blogging, after reading Tim's every day, and watching my friend Francesca take the leap and start her own a few weeks ago. I want to use it as a way to record this time of my life that is so intense and so important. I've tried writing in a journal that I keep next to my bed, but that ain't happening because I tend to be asleep as soon as I cross the threshold of my bedroom at the end of the day. Also, I've noticed that my hand doesn't like to write with a pen these days, it is so much work compared to using a keyboard! Really, it is sad but true that I think I am forgetting how to write long hand because I hardly ever it do.

Another reason to blog is that I have seen Tim reconnect with family and friends in ways that he would not have without his blog, and I hope to be able to do that too with my friends near and far who I don't get to see or talk to as much as I would like. Here are a few that I will name in hopes that I can lure them into my blog web:

Hilary, in Berlin, who I last saw walking away from my house last spring, 2 days before I gave birth to Maureen 5/1/2004. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent her 4/30/2004:

"Hilary,

Let me tell you about my day yesterday.

After I spent part of Wednesday night awake with stuffy sinuses (hormones) and small contractions which made me think that the big event was about to happen only one day post due date, I was a bundle of confused emotions looking to be unleashed. I was disappointed I wasn't in labor, pissed that I have to carry this huge weight around on my pelvis for who knows how much longer, and scared about the unknown life/death experience that I am about to enter into. At the heart of it I was hating how I don't get to control this situation, once more the lesson that keeps bashing me in the head to no apparent avail.

Anyway, Tim stayed home from work to hang out with kids so I could rest and hopefully go into labor. So, he took them to a coffee shop and I had this pretty good nap starting at about 11, although the fucking roofers hammering across the street was not helping me, but AGAIN what am I going to do about it? Then around 1 I was lying awake in my bed and I heard someone frantically knocking at the door. Since I'm not well coordinated at rolling my body around after I pass the 190 lb mark, it took me a few minutes to get down to the door. As I opened it I saw two young women, one wearing a cool leather jacket and the other with a bouncy blond pony tail walking away. Since I know that the progressive environmental groups don't start canvassing until early evening, I figured that the Jehovah's Witnesses were just getting cooler and younger than they used to be! I closed the door and went to the kitchen to eat lunch. As I sat at the table eating my pre-labor (HA!) baked potato, I had a strange thought sort of out of the blue: did that little JW in leather kind of walk like Hilary? No, then who would the teenaged blond be? And Hilary would call me if she were going to come to town! It was a nonsense crazy thought. 15 minutes later I went to get the mail, and SHIT I found your note! This is when the unleashing that I so much needed happened: I cried, I yelled, I swore, I went and got in the car and irrationally decided that I would drive around and find you. I went and found Tim at the coffee shop and had a tearful meltdown that made the coffee shop owner start hovering and wanting to help. I then drove around the neighborhood on Chicago looking for Heidi's red subaru, but decided that I should go home in case you tried to stop by again. When I got home I emoted some more, then I realized that once again I DON"T have control of something and I decided to channel my energy into organizing the baby room which was stacked with boxes and assorted crap. This was a good thing, because now that task is complete and I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore...

FYI, I'm still pregnant in case you hadn't guessed that. But today I am more calm and accepting of the fact that the time of this child's birth is not in my hands. And isn't May a great month to have a birthday anyway?" (Hilary's birthday is in May too!)

Carmen, who is way down in Texas and who I get to see for about 55 minutes once a year when she comes to MN to visit family and friends. I need more Carmen in my life, and hopefully this will help get her here!

Angie, who was in Minneapolis in early July and who I didn't get to see because my mom had just arrived here from Iowa and everything was chaos. Sorry I never got to see you, Ang, hopefully things will be calmer next time you are here.

Emily, who lives right here in Mpls. and who was my doula at Maureen's birth, and who called me two weeks ago and I still have not called her back. How does this happen? Also Emily got me onto a Positive Discipline parenting board with her for a while in June (by July I was not doing anything but trying to keep my head above water) and I learned about her secret network of internet friends who she is in contact with every day! I decided that I wanted that kind of network too, but I wanted to invite my friends who I miss and who I love. So, hopefully this blog will be the beginning of something like that.

There are other unnamed beloved friends who will be invited here, and anybody else who finds their way here is welcome. This will not be a guyblog though, and I will be talking about the nuts and bolts of my life as well as my feelings about it all so some of Tim's readers might get bored. Anyway, here goes one big experiment!