Sane Friend Freda

My mom has always had a knack for choosing intense people for friends.

Hmm, why does that strike me as familiar?!

Anyway, some of them have been real doozies, not always playing with a full deck. But a couple of them have been amazing; strong and loyal to her through thick and thin. That is how I describe my mom's friend Freda.

Freda and my mom met in the 70s when Freda's daughter and I became kindergarten friends. Both moms were energetic nurses, working 3-ll shifts and raising families. Our families didn't see much of one another after we moved away from Des Moines when I was 8. I do have a fond memory of traveling back to Des Moines for the pope visit in the late 70s, though. I recall that one of Freda's naughty daughters was reading the novel "Wifey" to me under a blanket at the papal event! Anyway, Freda and mom reconnected some time after my parents were divorced in '89, and they have been close ever since.

Freda has seen it all. She worked as a hospital nurse, then a head nurse and ended up retiring as a VP of patient services from a Des Moines hospital. She has survived the life and death of a spouse with alzheimers, and she is a 3 year survivor of cancer. She has 3 kids and 12 grandchildren, and she loves carting them around the countryside in her gigantic RV.

Freda is a true blue friend, with her feet firmly planted and her vision clear. So when Freda calls me these days and tells me her concerns about my mom and life in home hospice in Ottumwa, I always feel a little saner because I hear her say just what I've been thinking.

Freda worries that my mom is still in denial about dying. She worries that my mom is still doing so much bargaining. She tells me that soon after my mom arrived in Ottuwma in mid December, she called Freda and asked her if she could help her find a doctor who could cure her. Freda was straightforward and told her that if the doctors in Minnesota couldn't cure her then it's time to move on from seeking cure. One thing to count on from Freda is that she will tell the truth even if it's hard to hear. We both know my mom, though, and that she is still looking for a way out of dying.

Freda worries about my mom's relationship with my grandma, and how quickly my mom went back to her caregiver role. It is comfortable and it's what she knows, and it makes my grandma happy. But Freda worries that my mom is not able to work through her own feelings about what she is experiencing because she is so focused on grandma. Freda worries that grandma is also so focused on herself that she won't realize that she needs to let go of my mom. She won't let go and allow her child to move into the next phase of her journey.

When Freda called me this week and we talked about these things and about the pneumonia my mom is now being treated for by the home hospice team, we agreed on a few other things:

a)we don't know what it is like to be in the shoes of this dying woman,
b) we don't get to understand her relationship with her mother,
c)she is going to do this cancer-thing whatever way she damn well pleases!

And we have no choice but to keep watching from afar, hoping and praying for the best.