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We got home from our doctor visits about 5:00. The radiologist who will do the radiation was a wonderful man. He said that he is there to do whatever mom decides, but that he wants her to talk to the oncologist first. He was warm and honest. He said that the possibility of brain damage to memory with more rad is at most 5%. The concern with doing more is that the combo of radiation and more chemo will be very hard on her body. IT also turns out that this doctor is our neighbor's brother. He is the uncle to the boys next door.

We then had time to kill, not something I'm used to. An hour before our appt.with the oncologist. So we went to JC Penney because my mom wanted a bra. I offered to run in and get it for her so she wouldn't have to get out. Truthfully, I don't want to go anywhere with her when she has to walk because I am so scared that she is going to fall down. But, she wanted to go in so I got her walker out of the van and we went bra shopping. She had an awful time getting around the store. I would run ahead and try to spot the lingerie dept. before she took too many steps. It turned out to be on another floor, so we had to find the elevator. It was way in the back. As I was walking through the store ahead of her, looking out for anything that could get in her way or that she could stumble on, I had an epiphany. If she is going to have seizures and or fall down and or break bones there is not a goddamn thing I can do about it. I have to let go let God because I am not in control.

That makes me very, very angry.

We made it back to the van, where I proceeded to pull out and crunch into a car that was backing out from the other side. The lady was nice, her car was okay but we need a new bumper. She wanted to just leave and forget it, but I got her phone number and name because I didn't know what the hell else to do.

We went to the oncologist's next. I hadn't been there in months because I've been able to drop my mom off at the door and pick her up for so long. I used to bring Maureen to the appointments, and the receptionist who is very pregnant now had lots of questions about her. She said she thought of me when she read that a babybjorn had been recalled.

The meeting with the oncologist went okay. He can be patronizing but he is an okay guy and I trust him. He told my mom that if she wants to go forward with more treatment, he advises brain radiation and to continue chemo for the rest of her system. He said that the brain cancer is what she will die from. He said treatment may kill her first though. She said "let's do it".

He also said that he would not recommend the magic brain drug that the cowboy had suggested. What a surprise?! He said her body will have enough to deal with with concurrent radiation and chemo.

Then I got honest and I cried. I asked why we are not talking about the quality of her life here? I don't feel like I can take good care of someone with braincancer who could fall down in my basement and I cannot be there because I have three kids upstairs to take care of. I admitted that although I don't want my mom to die, the idea of hospice had comforted me in a way because it meant that she would have a safe, warm, soft place to go where she would be well taken care of. A place better than my cold dirty basement. He suggested that we consider a nursing home for my mom while she continues treatment.

Before we left the office the NP came out and gave my mom a hug while mom cried. The oncologist was the first person to attach a number to the brain tumors. She heard 70 lesions. My mom told her she wants to keep fighting, and the NP said "you are one tough lady."

I felt exhausted by the time we got home. It was a quiet ride because I had nothing to say to my mother. I could feel anger building up in me, as well as grief. And guilt because I want my mom to stop putting herself and the rest of us through this bullshit treatment.

I wanted to talk to Tim, but how is that supposed to happen with 3 kids needing us? I went upstairs and shut myself in the computer room. He followed me up while my mom fed the baby her dinner. What will I do when I don't have my mom here to feed my baby?

He asked me why I seemed so mad. I said because I just am. Then I started to tell him about the day, and the kids started fighting downstairs. Then Maggie runs to her room crying. Then Frank comes in and starts bouncing on Tim's chest on the floor laughing. Finally, I blew my top and started yelling for every one to get the hell OUT and away from me! Leave me alone and get out of here! Frank started crying and saying "okay!" and ran downstairs. I grabbed my purse and coat and followed him, and left the house slamming every door as hard as I could. Before I left a slammed the phone down next to my mom and said through a closed throat " THIS is for you".