life unrelenting

Life keeps busting through whether I'm ready or not. One child is cutting new teeth while the other has her first one loose?! And babykins is hell bent on figuring out how to walk much earlier than the other two did. She is only 9 months old, but we know she won't make it to 10.5 before she takes her first steps! And the NEVER ENDING stream of questions that my kids are blasting me with. They are killing me right now, really they are.

How does this happen? Doesn't mother nature understand that I need things to slow down? Doesn't she get that I need to breathe and grieve and make sense of what is going on in my heart and in my head?

This life force, the chi, is unstoppable. It's been hitting me over and over this week through my children. And I can't help thinking about how the chi was coursing through my mother's body just two weeks ago, and now it is not. She was so full of it, even when she was dying. She did not want to let go! Although she was in a coma, her last communication with us was through her tears that came as she was taking her last breathes. I repeat: She Did Not Want to Die. But she did die, and now I can't see her or hear her or touch her or talk to her. Or I guess I CAN talk to her, but the separation between us is too great for me to know if she has a response.

My mother's death is wrong and completely unacceptable to me. And God is saying to me: "so, what are YOU going to DO about it?"