excuses, excuses

I want to write more, mostly because it seems to be healing for me. Taking the time to be alone and think and put things down in black and white does my soul so much good. Especially at a time when I'm not spiritually or emotionally balanced. This is a hard time of life for me, and I need to make the best choices I can to keep myself from being sucked into the black hole of depression. But, what are my impediments? What keeps me from getting down to business, honing this craft, practicing and acquiring the skills I desire so that I can say what needs to be said?

First, there is the voice. The depression and her chatter.

"Loser with a capital L and that rhymes with Kate."

"What makes you think you're so special, that you get free time? what about the starving children in New Orleans (Zimbabwee, Minneapolis, etc.)?"

"Your house is a mess. There is nothing to eat for dinner. Your children are screaming for attention. Get your ass in gear!"

"You have your kids in childcare, but your aren't working to pay for that new second mortgage? And why aren't you out bringing home some bacon instead of letting the man do all the work?"

Christ, am I ever SICK of that voice. It takes up so much room, so much time, so much emotional energy. And she is such a quiet and insidious enemy. I want to kill her, drive a stake through her throat, but I don't feel fast enough to catch her. Whenever I try to grab her, my body reminds me that I am composed of lead. Everything and everyone is moving so fast around me. Laughing, running, playing. But I myself am going absolutely nowhere.

It occurred to me this week, as well as to my therapist, that the antidepressant drugs may not be working. Yes I'm functional, but this is not good enough. I recall times when I have not been in this place, so I'm pretty sure it's possible! When I started this blog I was not a depressed person, so I even have documented proof that I am more than what I see and feel today.

I haven't had a med check since June, which I think I blogged about. The doctor has needed to cancel the past few times because of a family emergency. I have an appointment with a new M.D. on Monday, and I think it is very good timing. Being depressed, I'm already starting to dwell on how god damn long it will take for new drugs to take effect if that is the route I end up on. Which just gives me one more reason to take them- to regain my speed so that I can catch up with that evil-tongued twin and experience the joy of beating the holy living crap out of her.