Round Three?

Am I in the midst of another round of depression? Yes, I believe I am. The past two weeks have been really hard, and stress has tried to have its way with me. The biggest stress has been self- imposed, as I struggle to forgive myself for being so flawed. Last fall while I was not parenting at peak performance, my two oldest children were hurt by a neighbor boy. The pot got churned up again last month when we were called to court to deal with the legal aspects of the situation. It seems to me that the timing of this could not have been more fucked up.

And then there are the Big Life Changes. Tim’s new job, and moving to a new house in a new neighborhood. We knew full well that the timing of these events was not psychologically perfect. No wise advisor would suggest that major change is a good idea after a family death and a major depressive episode. But the spirit moved us, and we responded as best we could. And now it’s time to pay the piper, which is what I’m right now doing. So yes, I am living with depression. Stress brings it on, and right now I’m hauling around lots of it.

But this time feels different than before. Although I have my hopeless moments where I wonder if life is worth the effort, these thoughts are fleeting and less convincing than they were last spring. Now I am able to remind myself that it’s the depression talking, and it’s not me. I’m working hard, I’m not giving in, I’m fighting the demon tooth and nail. My primary weapon is exercise. The Uppercut Boxing gym is saving my life, and giving my kids a mom who can be physically present and accounted for.

What else, besides exercise, is helping me? Qigong. Van Morrison. Greg Brown. Meta Commerse. Taking my kids to the pool. Thinking about our new back yard. Feeling blessed by the genuine and pleasant smiles of the staff at Maggie’s school in the morning. Remembering my own words to my children, which I recite when they are having a hard time with something:

“Everything has a beginning, and everything has an end.” and “remember that a deep breath is your best friend when you are worried about something!” They sound like dumb mom words when I hear them come out of my mouth, but the truth is that they really do help.

So what else can I tell myself today? So far, so good. Keep up the good work. And from my friends who work AA, “let go, let God”.

And now it's time for me to go pick up my kids.