adding and subtracting

Last week was busy and stressful, and there were moment when I wondered if I might lose my balance. Once you’ve been incapacitated by depression, it is impossible to not fear it happening again. At this point I can say “so far, so good”. That is good news for everyone in my household.

Here is a short list of the stressors our family is feeling. No need to point out that taking on big life changes after a clinical depression and after a family death is not so smart! Tim and I know that, but most of the changes that have come our way over the past half-year have been too good to pass on. Last week Tim started a new job that he is very excited about. Also Maggie started 1st grade at TCGIS, and Frank started part time at the Kinderstube. Tim’s work and the kid’s school are both very near the new house we are closing on September 30, despite the fact that our current home is sitting unpurchased in a market that our realtor compares to “post 9/11”. Also an ugly legal issue with an ex-neighbor reared its head again last week, and of all the challenges we are facing right now, this one has caused me the most anxiety.

So, what’s keeping me out of the basement, so to speak? Or as my friend Rebecca asked me yesterday when I stopped by to help her with childcare while her husband was out of town, “how is it that you’re still in the game?”
I believe that I’m managing this un-easy time because of the things I have added and subtracted from my life since my last bout with depression in June:

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Boxing

In the mid 90s my friend Michann dragged me to a boxing class at the uptown Y. We took classes there for about a year, then transferred over to a boxing gym that our teacher Lisa opened on Lake Street. About 5 weeks ago I got a bug about trying boxing again, because it really is the best workout I have ever had. Plus the mental and emotional benefits of punching the sod out of something, as well as learning how to focus on using strength from the lower body is very empowering. As Lisa once said in one of our classes, “those hips aren’t just for making babies”. I am drenched in sweat when I leave an hour workout at the gym, and that is probably the number one thing that kept me out of trouble last week.

Spring Forest Qigong

I cannot explain it, but it’s good for me. It seems to be changing my body somehow, and I don’t know why. I’m taking a 4-day class at the SFQ Healing Center in St. Louis Park starting Thursday afternoon, and I’m very excited.

The Herbalist

At some point in June when I was not doing so hot, my step-mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go on an herb walk with her at Lake Nokomis. I didn’t feel like going but I went anyway. I knew it would be good for me. I was surprised at how interesting the instructor was, talking about common Minnesota weeds and their medicinal qualities. I decided to go talk to her about my sleeping problem because it seemed that so many herbs could address insomnia issues. Lise Wolff turns out to be a fascinating and wonderful woman who teaches classes and works as an herbalist. Apparently herbal medicine is “energy healing” like Chinese qigong or acupuncture. I believe it has added to the help I have received from SFQ.

What I’ve subtracted-----------------

Church

I haven’t been to church since my mom’s funeral in early February. This may surprise people at the Basilica, who have known me as a catechist of the Good Shepherd and as an acolyte at Sunday evening mass. It kind of surprises me too, but I also know it is working for me. Why? First, my mom’s funeral was worthless to me, and I consider this to be the direct responsibility of the Roman Catholic Church. Being the kind of daughter who follows through on what her mother would want in a memorial service, I followed the rules and did my best to collaborate with the priests in the town she lived in. But what I wanted was to have someone who knew and loved my mom do a eulogy at the funeral, and I was told by the not very bright parish priest that my request conflicted with diocesan policy. Also the priests were simply annoying to me while my mom was dying. No comfort, no solace, no connection whatsoever. They were of no service to me, but I know my mom valued their presence whether she was fully conscious of it or not. The only part of the funeral that had an impact on me was the beautifully sung “Ave Maria”, which my mother would have loved.

99% of Social Interactions

At this point I have energy to extrovert to those in my immediate environment, and that is it. As I’ve said before, my friends aren’t getting much from me right now. I take every opportunity I get these days to be alone. I cherish every silence-filled, life-giving second of it. Since most of my time during the day is spent with my kids, the golden hours for me comes late at night and in the early morning. I take whatever I can get, and will do everything I can to increase it.

My Part-time Job

It was definitely time. Enough said.