new phase

Keeping track of what our plans are for the past weeks has been a full time job. We are constantly in flux. But we did finally make it to Iowa on Sunday, and got home to Minneapolis around 11 p.m. last night.

It was a short trip, but good. My mom is holding steady, and seemed to not have changed much since she left here a week and a half ago. When we got to my grandma's house we learned from cousin Joe, who is caring for grandma and my mom with his wife Louise, that everyone (mom, grandma and Louise) were out at the hospital. Grandma now has pneumonia and had to be admitted, and mom needed some antibiotics to keep herself from also getting too sick.

I saw some things that I was happy about while we were there. My mom seems strong and like she is not declining. Her walking has diminished a little, but generally she is pain free and mobile. Either Joe or Louise are there 24/7, and she also got a lifeline through hospice. This she would use if she fell while no one is around to help.

I was really happy to meet Joe and Louise and see what good, caring people they are. They take good care of my grandma and mom, and we would be lost without them. Louise is a nurse who works nights at the hospital, and she is very attentive to details like their medications, etc.

I also saw that my mom's current run of strength seems to come from finding a purpose in her life again. She sees that grandma needs her, and she feels that she must be the strong and healthy one. So now she is mustering the energy to take the caregiver role again. It is such a deep part of her to take care of people. She is simply being herself. But focusing on grandma also keeps her from facing what is coming, and keeps her from taking care of herself. My concern is that she will not be able to keep this up as the cancer zaps her energy, and that grandma will not acknowledge these real limitations. As long as grandma's needs are primary, which everyone in the house seems to think they are, then mom will keep expending her precious energy on caregiving.

When we drove back home last night I realized that I feel stuck in the past while my mom has moved on to her new(/old) life with grandma. I'm here in this house remembering a pretty good life we shared just one month ago, and I'm missing it. She has gone on to something else, and I feel sad and miss having her here.