lonely night

Everyone is in bed here. Everyone but me. Now I get to look around the house and see the day's damage done. Piles of laundry, folded and unfolded. Toys up to my ankles. Paperwork and assorted kid-stuff that needs to be filed or put away. Then there is the work I could be doing for my job.

About a half an hour ago I thought of a great way to avoid all these responsibilities; go watch TV with mom! But then I remembered. She's not downstairs in the cozy room she kept heated up like a blast furnace. She's not sitting up on the bed with the remote,flipping between Court TV and CNN. She's not on the phone with grandma or Freda or one of her many friends who liked to call and check in on her. She's not waiting for me to come down to watch Jon Stewart with her at 10 o'clock.

I talked to her tonight, and thinking about it makes me even more sad. She's having a hard time putting sentences together and remembering words. She's not in the same state that she was when she was here with me.

What am I supposed to do with myself now? So much to do, but I just feel like crying. I miss my night owl mom, who was my best companion.

What am I supposed to do without her?