rambling

Hello. This is my first effort at writing morning pages on my blog. I haven’t tried writing morning pages for years, and I never tried it on a computer. Certainly not on this fabulous Mac of mine because I didn’t own it back then. I’m sitting in the coffee shop, and just dropped off the kids at Katy’s and baby at daycare. Katy will drop off the kids here for lunch in about a half an hour, so I’m thinking I might just try writing until they get here and see what it feels like. An experiment. I’m very interested in doing experiments right now.

I’m hungry. I ordered some veggie tamales, and now I’m going to take a bite of one. I don’t like to eat while I’m at this computer because I don’t want to get my computer messed up or dirty. But, my stomach calls so I must listen. My body calls, so I must listen.

Wondering about what writing does for my brain? I bet if I keep this up I will get to be a really good typist. Time for a bite.
Oh my god this tamale is so good. Perfectly salty and flavorful of corn and veggie and spicy peppers. I’m really hungry, and this food is really serving me well.

I’m sitting next to a man and woman who seem to be artists. The woman is doing a crossword puzzle, while the man rambles on about this and that. A friend named Bruce who was recently written about in the paper. This guy here is definitely on some medication, or he should be. Rambling on and on and it doesn’t matter if anyone is listening. I think the woman is half listening, but she’s looking down at the crossword puzzle all the time. Seems like she's used to tuning out nonsense. Maybe she comes from a house full of too many kids.

Perhaps I will change my venue so that I can concentrate differently. I will finish the tamale, and then move to a table in the other room.

*move break*

Ah, this is much better. Now the rambling man is a voice, faint in the other room. I am in the back room where the toys are, where I always come with the kids. This coffeeshop just got bought by a woman who is kind of spacey. She is trying really hard, and she even takes credit cards which the last owners did not.

Just remember I need to email Tim and find out when the house inspection will be tomorrow. My dad wants to come check out the house.

*email break*

Okay, I’m back. it is now 10:56 a.m., the kids will probably be here within the next 15 minutes. At some point I will need to move back to the other room so I can watch for them when they get here. So Katy doesn’t have to get out of her van to bring them in. She will have a car full of kids, and she is heading off to pick up her nephew.

I’m needing to gear up for being with the kids again. All breaks are good for me right now, and I’m wondering if perhaps blogging/writing for myself is the best use of my kid-free time. I felt so free when I dropped off the baby. I walked out of the daycare feeling like my senses belong to me again. I could hear the birds singing, and feel the sun shining and smell the hot St. Paul morning in the grass next to the parking lot.

I have a strong sense today that a lot of healing will happen for me when we move into our new house. Setting is so important to me, location really matters. I imagine that being up on that little hill in the quiet nook of a peaceful neighborhood will do wonders for me. Wonders for my body, mind and soul. I feel it already, the healing, even when I just think about being in that place. I’m trusting that whatever I do not control here is still looking out for me, taking care of me. “Holy Mother, I open myself to you”.

The kids. It is incredibly hard for me to take care of kids right now. Yesterday I had an instinct to take them outside and turn the sprinkler on for them and let them go. I needed it as much as they did. Their kid energy doesn’t do well in enclosed spaces, and that is one reason why the new backyard will be a blessing for them as well as for me. They can go out there and get dirty and run around and feel safe. That yard feels like a very safe zone, and that puts me at ease as a parent as well as for myself.

Now it is 11:05 a.m., I wonder if I should go sit where I can see the door. The rambling artist left the coffee shop or shut his mouth for some other good reason, so it’s quiet in there again. Time to move closer to the door.

Praise Jesus that the rambling man has gone. Now it’s just me, the coffeeshop owner and the woman who is doing a crossword puzzle. I think she is the artist who painted the murals on the walls here. I remember seeing her here when that work was being done.

Peace and quiet. I feel like I cannot get enough of it. It feeds me, nourishes a deep part of me that is feeling empty. It puts water back in a well that is having a hard time keeping up with the demands of kids and a house and that’s about all I’m attending to right now. Forget friend and my job because they aren't getting shit from me nowadays.

Die Kinder sind jetzt da. I just ordered their lunch (pbj for Maggie, quesadilla for Frank, smalll milks all around). I’m having gaspacho and mint iced tea. yum. Time to close up shop and start parenting again.