underground again

I admitted to myself yesterday that I am depressed again. I assume that the decrease in drug is the problem, so I increased it myself today. Sleeplessness is preferable to the pain of depression. I'm not bothering to call my doctor until Monday, since I will just get the nurseline and they will tell me to increase the drug and call M.D. on Monday. Also left a message for my therapist, but don't expect to hear from her until Monday either.

Tim took kids to Rebecca's today, and M and F are having an overnight with Noah to celebrate Maggie's birthday. Tomorrow she will be 6.

Top 10 signs that I am Going Off the Deep End

1. I announce to Tim, “I’m leaving now.” as soon as he gets home from work.
2. I obsess about bad things that have happened to my kids.
3. I think that Tim made a big mistake marrying me, and now he is stuck with a huge burden. Namely, me.
4. I try to act more normal than I feel. My interactions with people feel fake because I’m not my comfortable self, and just trying to blindly gauge what “normal” is.
5. I want to stay away from my kids because their needs are like fingernails scraping down a chalkboard.
6. I need my kids to stop talking to me. Several times a day I find myself saying to them, “now we are all going to ZIP the LIPS and have some quiet thinking time.”
7. My life as a parent looks like a dark and endless tunnel, full of anxiety and misery and proof of my inadequacy.
8. I consider the possibility that my kids will do better in life without me as a mother.
9. I forget that healing is possible.
10. I believe that I am alone in this, and that no person on earth can help me.


I got Word test drive up and running on my computer. Thank God because it may supply my only therapy for the weekend.