hitting home

Mo and F and I walked to our polling place yesterday with neighbor Mary, who vouched for me so that I could vote. Mary has lived in the neighborhood for decades, as many of the people around here have also. Mary knows everyone, she is very energetic, and she used to edit the neighborhood newspaper. She now writes the obituaries for the paper, as the previous long time obit writer recently passed away herself. I like Mary, and I will learn a lot about the neighborhood from her as she seems to know everyone. She is a good egg.

Mary told me that the woman of the couple we bought this house from was just diagnosed with brain lesions. It is metastasised lung cancer, which is exactly what my mom had. Mary is organizing food and rides for the couple, who have 3 daughters who are scattered across the country.

I didn't have time or space to have an emotional response to this news during the day yesterday, but as soon as I was alone in the car last night, the feelings started to flow out.

Those poor daughters! How helpless they must feel, watching their mother go through the trauma of this news. How scary and painful it is to watch someone you love try to make sense out of a head filled with cancer. It's just god damn awfully wrong, and I'm sad that this family has to go through it. Everyone I meet in the neighborhood tells me that our house is full of happy memories, for the family who lived here as well as for their friends in the neighborhood. The neighbors paint a picture of a warm and joyful home, and an openness to sharing these gifts with others. Although it has not been said, it's clear from the way neighbors tell their stories that the family we bought the house from did not want to let go of it. And now they are being called upon to continue letting go of even more of what they love.

Isn't this infuriating? Who designed this system called Life, where so much suffering is just part of the deal? Slam to the head with a brick, and then bam! Crack the skull open with another. How do we survive all this loss and pain? How do we even keep standing? We don't, I think. Or at least I don't. Not without being bloodied and bruised and scathed and scarred.

I went to see the herbalist the other day, to follow up on the flower essences she gave me 3 weeks ago. Talking to her was more valuable than any therapy session I've had lately. I complained about not bouncing back fast enough, not getting on my feet as quickly and as steadily as I would like. Lise is from New York, and she is very blunt. "Your mother died, your kids got hurt, you moved and haven't sold your house and your husband just started a demanding new job. What makes you think this is a time to be bouncing?"

She's right. And I'm right to know that feeling like a loser and waking up to worry every night are signs that this is more than grief and stress. Made an appointment with an new psych. M.D. for Dec. 1. Plan to keep exercising and trying to eat more green food and less drive-thru carbs. So far the exercise is definitely helping.