Eastertide

Life is much better here than it was last week, and 10 times better than it was 2 weeks ago. I don't even want to consider what I was doing just one month ago. It is still too raw and gaping to bear looking at.

This week I've felt more like myself, especially today. I worked two mornings while the kids were in daycare, and then took care of things around the house. Cooked a big pot of bean soup with ham, made some phone calls I'd been putting off and did some filing and laundry. Sat on the porch with a cup of ginger lemon tea and watched the first rain of spring. Visited the "Kinderstube" German immersion preschool that Maggie and Frank will be starting at part-time next week.

Thought about Easter and wondered if I'm starting a new life. Decided that, yes I am. "Yes!"

So what is new about this life post depression? What looks different after being to a hell and back? I realize that I'm in love with a man who cares about me enough to mother me back to health when I am incapacitated. He was gentle and kind and good to me. He took over all the duties of our life that I am usually responsible for, and kept our family on track. He brought me tea, english muffins, Ensure. He did this with a little help from family and friends, but mostly it was all on him. In the middle of my darkness when I asked him if he would stay with me if I never got better, he didn't even think about his answer. He quickly said yes! Is he insane? Perhaps. But now I know who is in my corner no matter what. It is my husband Tim.

I also have made a new committment now that I am getting past depression. I will no longer do anything that resembles work after 9:00 p.m. Resting my body and my mind and my soul when they are tired is what I am committed to. No, not even waiting until I'm tired, just fitting in a time of rest every day. Reminds me of my secret desire to be an orthodox Jew so that I can enjoy a day of sabbath once a week. A day of rest and pleasure and prayer. I want that! So I will make sure I get a little bit of it every day. The events of the past year have taught me that if I don't take the time I need to be alone and recharge myself, then I can lose my balance. And a woman out of balance is no good to herself, or subsequently to anyone else.

The clock just struck 9, so I'm done for today. Good night!