Eastertide

Life is much better here than it was last week, and 10 times better than it was 2 weeks ago. I don't even want to consider what I was doing just one month ago. It is still too raw and gaping to bear looking at.

This week I've felt more like myself, especially today. I worked two mornings while the kids were in daycare, and then took care of things around the house. Cooked a big pot of bean soup with ham, made some phone calls I'd been putting off and did some filing and laundry. Sat on the porch with a cup of ginger lemon tea and watched the first rain of spring. Visited the "Kinderstube" German immersion preschool that Maggie and Frank will be starting at part-time next week.

Thought about Easter and wondered if I'm starting a new life. Decided that, yes I am. "Yes!"

So what is new about this life post depression? What looks different after being to a hell and back? I realize that I'm in love with a man who cares about me enough to mother me back to health when I am incapacitated. He was gentle and kind and good to me. He took over all the duties of our life that I am usually responsible for, and kept our family on track. He brought me tea, english muffins, Ensure. He did this with a little help from family and friends, but mostly it was all on him. In the middle of my darkness when I asked him if he would stay with me if I never got better, he didn't even think about his answer. He quickly said yes! Is he insane? Perhaps. But now I know who is in my corner no matter what. It is my husband Tim.

I also have made a new committment now that I am getting past depression. I will no longer do anything that resembles work after 9:00 p.m. Resting my body and my mind and my soul when they are tired is what I am committed to. No, not even waiting until I'm tired, just fitting in a time of rest every day. Reminds me of my secret desire to be an orthodox Jew so that I can enjoy a day of sabbath once a week. A day of rest and pleasure and prayer. I want that! So I will make sure I get a little bit of it every day. The events of the past year have taught me that if I don't take the time I need to be alone and recharge myself, then I can lose my balance. And a woman out of balance is no good to herself, or subsequently to anyone else.

The clock just struck 9, so I'm done for today. Good night!

more Dish

My friend Ted, who loves TV and sports, emailed me and asked if I'm watching a lot of basketball on the Dish. He knows too well that I am not! I wrote back:

I'm watching movies and shows on TNT, TBS, HBO (you can upgrade the Dish
with just the remote!), HGTV (Maggie enjoys this too) and Comedy Central.
Crank Yankers cracks me up sometimes, it is so absurd! I've been meaning
to watch it with Tim, but he refused to sit in front of the TV with me
unless it's time for late night "Curb your Enthusiasm". "Primetime in the
Daytime" gives me back to back episodes of "Judging Amy". Also I can really
get excited about an "All in the Family" mini-marathon on TVland. That
show is hilarious and brilliant and somehow very soothing. I make sure to
skip all news channels, sports channels, christian channels and court TV.
Also "A and E" is so misnamed! Garbage shows about serial killers are not
arts or entertainment! I do get stuck on E! sometimes, especially for
"insider Hollywood" shows like about the 90210 cast or Farrah Fawcett or
"Hot Dads" of hollywood. I will not watch the IH show about the Hilton
sisters or Laci Peterson. That's not Hollywood and would be suited better
to A and E crud. I am amazed at some of the program's I've managed to sit
through over the past few weeks, though, and sometimes more than once. A
show about Carney Wilson and her stomach surgery and her new husband who is
a back up to Wilson Phillips?

So, as you can see my depressed self is not funtioning in the world like my
regular self. Thankfully my regular self is emerging a little more every
day, though. You know I will be back to normal when you hear that I've
climbed up on the roof and ripped the Dish off our house and thrown it into
the trash where it belongs!

kicking in

This evening I actually felt like myself again. All 3 kids were in daycare today, and I spent most of the day on the couch in the living room, sleeping and surfing. I made myself get up about 4 p.m. and drove to the nature center and walked the loop. I'd read that 30 minutes of walking in the daylight helps a body clear out depression more quickly. I've only managed to do it about 3 times in the past 2 weeks, however. When I got home Tim and kids were here. I was glad to see them, and it's been weeks since I've felt such spontaneous joy! I then made dinner, (fishsticks, frozen peas, frozen pizza, salad) and read to my kids. I sang along to the music they were dancing to in the living room. These may seem like small things to those who have no experience with depression, but the veterans know that they are like little miracles.

Tonight I thank God for modern medicine and the gift of SSRI drugs. It's scary to think about where I would be without them.

gene pool

What I didn't get:

blue eyes, perky personality, extroversion, aptitude for math

What I did get:

brown eyes, critical mind, intense emotional life, depression

The last one is kicking me in the ass right now. Harder than ever before and deeper than I knew possible. I've spent the past 11 days becoming very intimate with the DISH TV I got for my mom in the basement. Anxiety has kept me down there alot, feeling the comfort of being underground, surrounded and supported by rich, dark deep earth. This has been my preference over hospitalization. I've also learned that anti-anxiety drugs are effective and legitimate and not just for weak little pussies. And that 9 plus months of too goddamn much stress has become my most powerful enemy. Tomorrow is day 21 of anti depressant drug, which takes 4-6 weeks for full effect.

Thank God for Tim, our family, daycare and the treat-ability of this illness. Anyone who feels inclined to confuse depression with grief, please go do a google search and educate yourself. They are not the same, and if I were feeling grief right now it would be a relief.

It is a good sign that I got the energy to write this. I expect there is more to come.