My Mac is dead

I flew to Nashville on Friday, to attend a surprise birthday party for my aunt Mary. I also got to spend some quality time with my friend Ted, who lives in Bowling Green Ky. Ted, who I will now start calling "my advisor", gave me a copy of Microsoft office for Mac that he got as an educator at WKU. I was tired since I'd been awake since 3:30 a.m., but I dragged myself to the Northwest gate at 7:30 a.m. yesterday, knowing that once I got there I would enjoy the pleasure of putting Word etc. on my new computer. I did. I thought. Then the poor thing went dark. Dead. Kaput. I chose not to panic, and instead read the Harriet Doerr book I'd brought. I figured that the computer would pull itself together by the time I got home.

It didn't. Instead it would not start up and gave me only a flashing question mark with no cues for what I should do.

I called AppleCare, and they told me to put one of the disks I got with the computer in, and I did. Apparently the harddrive is gone, so I have to send the little guy back to Mac, probably never to be seen again. Everything I had on that computer is probably gone, including email files, work for EDN (luckily I haven't been investing much time there lately!) and my iCalendar, which I have quickly come to rely on. Shite. Now I get the point of using .mac, which allows me to store files out on the internet instead of on a harddrive.

Mac is sending me a box to to return the computer in, probably on Wednesday. The repair is covered by the 1 year warranty, thank god. But, I do have to wait 5-7 business days before I see a Mac with a working hard drive again.

Greetings, Faithful Child Avocates
Inspiration:
Recently I read a little story about an aged grandma who looked into the eyes of her two young granddaughters, patted their hands and spoke to their father, her son, saying, "You take good care of these two sweet Souls. God lives in your children." Michael Gurian, The Soul of the Child I was reminded of the sacredness of childhood and the privledged responsible I have to do my part in creating a nurturing world for each little Soul.

Background: The 2005 Legislative Session ended. But as you know a special session was immediately called as the legilature failed to do their work of balancing the budget. You have done a great job. Children's issues were brought forward and legislators can't say they didn't hear from child advocates.

The Shaken Baby Bill that you made calls about passed through and will be adopted which means every Minnesota woman, after giving birth, will be required to watch an educational video, as well as every child care provider.

Perhaps the biggest step forward we made was raising the minimum wage a dollar an hour ($6.15)! This will make a good difference for children living in low-income homes. Share the joy of this victory knowing your calls and letters/post cards helped make this happen.

But, the child care and early education supports that so many of our children rely on for a strong start in life are still in jeopardy of being cut back, underfunded, or not funded at all. The only thing to do now, is keep on being the voice for our children...but even more timely NOW.

Action Needed: (Same as last week) The leadership needs to hear from you. They need to know what you think the spending priorities should be. We need to generate a LOT of noise about child care and early education...make your calls and ask others to also...write letters to your local papers, talk to your own legislators (hopefully they can influence the leadership).

Call or email: (if you only have time to make one call, call the governor)
•Governor Tim Pawlenty, 651-296-3391 or tim.pawlenty@state.mn.us

Senate Majority Leader, Dean Johnson, 651-296-3826 or sen.dean.johnson@senate.mn

Rep. Steve Sviggum, Speaker of the House, 651-296-2273 or
rep.steve.sviggum@house.mn

Message: (Be strong. Express your emotion about children's needs being so low on the soending priority list.) Minnesota cannot afford NOT to invest abundantly in our youngest children. They are now and have always been our highest priority. Please expand the child care assistance program so that every working family can access quality child care, remove the freeze on child care provider rates, and invest in ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education), Head Start, School Readiness, and the MELF (MN Early Learning Foundation).

••This will be the last Wednesdays4Kids until something changes... Keep in touch. Let me know how your advocacy experience was for you this session.

Thanks!
Norma Bourland
Director
Congregations Concerned for Children
612-870-3670

chinese herbs

Insomnia continues to bother me. The trazadone doesn't make me sleepy, just dizzy, so I stopped taking it after talking to my shrink's nurse. I've been relying on Sominex for the past few nights, since that works if I take two. Tonight I took some chinese herbs, however. I got them from the acupuncturist I started seeing a few weeks ago, after I learned that our HMO covers acupunture for certain conditions like PMS. I'd read that chinese medicine doesn't just address one symptom at a time like conventional medicine does. Instead it treats the body in a more holistic way, and considers all of the symptoms together.
Acupunture is also supposed to be quite effective for people who are depressed.

Nonetheless, the anti-depressants continue to keep me awake. The herbs put me to sleep around 11 p.m., but now I am awake again. It appears that I am out of Sominex, so I guess I will go try another capsule of herbs. Hope it helps because Maggie and Frank are here with me tomorrow, and if the baby's diaper rash still looks bad in the a.m. then I will probably keep her home so she get's some healing nudie-butt time. That means I will get to chase her around the house, hoping she doesn't poop on the rug. Or maybe I will stick 3 kids in the back yard while I take a nap on the porch.

Just kidding. Unfortunately for me.

snapshot: spring 2005

The little girl from across the alley, who is perfectly fine, came over to play yesterday. She has two older siblings, a sister and a brother, and she is about 5 months younger than Maggie.

At first she came over and asked if Maggie could play in her yard, then went to ask her mom if it was okay. Meanwhile Frankie got excited about going, and started talking about what toys he was going to bring. I had to break it to Frank that Claire was only asking if Maggie could play in her yard. I said that he could stay with me and we would have some special time together. He was not happy about this, nor was he interested in what fun he could have with his mother. The girls ended up playing in our yard instead, and that seemed to take care of the problem. For a while.

Later I heard the girls have this exchange:

C: Who's lunchbox is that?
M: It's Frankie's.
C: (surprised) What? He has a Hello Kitty lunchbox? (giggling) Does he want to use that lunchbox?
M: (wide eyed but puzzled) Yes, that is Frank's lunchbox.

Now, you must understand that when I hauled the Hello Kitty lunchbox out of a toy bin to start packing preschool lunches in, I knew that some of Frank's uncles might not approve. But I gave my boy the choice between HK and the pink princess lunchbox, and he chose HK. And I secretly gloated about how sweet my son was, that he didn't think he needed spiderman or the incredibles to carry his lunch in. I knew that my bubble would be burst at some point, but I didn't think it would be so soon.

Or that it would be burst by the 5 year old girl from across the alley.

Frank didn't hear this exchange, because the girls were playing with "girl toys" while he played with animals on the porch. He'd offered to share the animals with Maggie and her friend, but they preferred to play with dolls. I saw him following the girls around later, holding a stuffed dinosaur like it was his baby.

After the neighbor girl left, I heard Frank talking to his sister.

"Maggie, I think Claire only wanted to play with you today."

Maggie, who takes no interest in hurting her brother, said nothing. Frank repeated his statement. Then Maggie said, without looking up,

"Come on Frank. Let's go play with the animals."

My Mom's Big Love

I just got this K.D. Lang CD a few weeks ago, and I'm listening to it alot. My mom's spirit is winding throughout it, especially in this song.
Love Is Everything.mp3

link works now.

email from Congregations Concerned for Children

Inspiration:
"There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children.
There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want, and that they grow up in peace." Kofi A. Annan

Background: The Conference Committees are still discussing the differences between their Omnibus Bills which contain proposals for child care and early education. There is little change from last week as they wait for budget targets to be set, which depends on the amount of available and projected revenue. So!

Action Needed: The leadership who will be setting the budget targets need to hear from you. They need to know what you think the spending priorities should be. We need to generate a LOT of noise about child care and early education...make your calls and ask others too also.

Call or email: (if you only have time to make one call, call the governor)
•Governor Tim Pawlenty, 651-296-3391 or tim.pawlenty@state.mn.us

Senate Majority Leader, Dean Johnson, 651-296-3826 or sen.dean.johnson@senate.mn

Rep. Steve Sviggum, Speaker of the House, 651-296-2273 or
rep.steve.sviggum@house.mn

Message: Minnesota cannot afford NOT to invest abundantly in our youngest children. They are now and have always been our highest priority. Please expand the child care assistance program so that every working family can access quality child care, remove the freeze on child care provider rates, and invest in ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education), Head Start, School Readiness, and the MELF (MN Early Learning Foundation).

Harriet Doerr quotes

There are too few of these gems on the internet, but this is what I've found so far:

"I found I'm quite happy working on a sentence for an hour or more,
searching for the right phrase, the right word," she said in an
interview. "I compare it to the work of a stone cutter — chipping away
at the raw material until it's just right, or as right as you can get
it."

"Where you are changes you--the tree outside your window, the mountains, the lake," she says, closing her eyes, remembering. "Writing derives from an accumulation of experience. It's as if you collect facts and observations over time, like a stone to stand on. From there, imagination takes over."

"I operate from chaos and have all sorts of secret approaches to my work. I don't think I could do it with an audience," she says. "Other people don't need to be alone with their thoughts so much. I sort of starve if I don't have time alone."

4:45 a.m.

This is the time that the sun starts peeking over the horizon these days. In Minneapolis, at least.

The therapist I started seeing for grief and depression says that sleep problems are often the last issues to resolve themselves in people who are depressed. That is definitely the case for me.

I cannot believe that nobody has written a biography of Harriet Doerr?! Why not? She is an amazing woman. I think someone needs to figure out how to make that biography happen...

#5

I'd have a life like Harriet Doerr. ( I'd make a link to an article in the Stanford Alumni magazine about her life, but Mac is not working with me on this. ) She went back to finish her college degree when she was in her 70s, and then allowed herself the luxury of writing.

I'd go to the Iowa Writer's Workshop (again, Mac is not helping) in Iowa City. I'd learn how to write fiction, which is something I have no clue about. I would spend my days driving around Iowa City, where my paternal grandparents met and fell in love. I would also drive to their home towns of Lone Tree and North or South English, and steep in their culture. I would immerse myself in information about small town Iowa in the twenties, and I would ask my favorite grandma if I could pattern a story after her family's life. Her dad, Frank Storm, was a farmer who was struck by lightening when grandma D was 5. Her mom, Iva, then raised two kids by herself in Lone Tree in the teens and twenties.

#1 and #3

Starting with #4 is too hard, so I decided to wrangle with the easy ones first.

1. My ideal vacation would be to go to the North Shore with just Tim. Kidless! We would stay in a little cabin at Solbakken, which is a resort by Lutsen. It would be winter, we would go cross-country skiing on the third day, only after spending the first two days alone in front of a fire in the cabin. I would become a great skiier. I would never get so annoyed that I must pitch my poles at Tim in a fit of frustration.

I would be able to drink gallons of coffee (which I’ve given up in real life) with tons of cream in it. I would never get too wired or anxious from it. I’d just sit and drink it all day long, never tiring of how it feels or tastes.

I would have my IBook with me, and Tim would leave me alone with it because he accepts that IBook is my other lover.

Then at 6 p.m. I would switch to drinking Pilsner Urquell and Guinness. (I’ve also given up alcohol in real life. poor me!) I’d switch off between the two, and just get a little buzz but never get drunk or dehydrated. Then Tim and I would take a walk out on the rocks by the shore, and absorb the beauty of a full moon shining across the lake at us.

3. What is the sweetest thing that Tim ever did for me?

He took care of me when I was broken. He was patient with me, and he didn’t disappear. He did everything in his power to care for me when I could do nothing for myself. He didn’t give up on me or act scared of me. He believed in me, and showed me that he accepts me, imperfections and all. Tim made me see that real trust between people is possible, and that good marriage actually exists.

He healed me with his love, Amen! He healed me with his love!

My sensitive girl

Maggie is a sensitive child in many ways. She rarely misses anything that is going on around her. Her senses are always tuned in, and she has an especially keen sense of smell.

When she was around 3, I remember sitting in the front seat of the car getting ready to drive somewhere. Maggie was in the back, buckled into her carseat. This kid LOVES candy (just like her grandma Carol!), and I had a hershey's kiss that I didn't want to share. I turned the radio on to drown out the sound of the candy wrapper crinkling, and I opened the kiss and popped it into my mouth. This whole time Maggie'd been gazing innocently out the window.

Then her face whipped around to look at the back of my head.

Maggie: "What do I smell, mama?"

Me: "I don't know what you smell, Maggie".

Maggie" "I think it's CHOCOLATE!"



So yesterday my kids took a field trip to the The Museum of Russian Art. It just opened in the building across the street from the church where the Kinderstube resides. As we were getting into the van at the end of the day, I asked the kids what they'd liked about Kinderstube. They both said that the field trip was fun, and that they had especially enjoyed a painting of a "nudie" riding on horse. Then they laughed themselves silly for about 5 minutes. Afterward, Maggie and I had this exchange:

Maggie: "I didn't like the smell in the museum. It smelled like grandma Carol's body".

Me: (perplexed) "Do you mean it smelled like her body when she was alive or when she was dead?"

Maggie: "when she was dead".

Me: "Did you say anything about this to your teachers?"

Maggie: "yes, I did!"

Me: (with curious smile) "And what did they say?"

Maggie: "They said 'Nein! Nein! Das ist nicht true!"

Today I asked the teacher what had happened. She said that she'd thought about Maggie's comments all afternoon, and she still didn't know what to make of them. She said that the experience was a little embarrassing because Maggie blurted her observation out (the first time!) in front of the museum tour guide. She did this as soon as the field trip kids were across the threshold.

I told the teacher that up until last fall, the building that the museum is now housed in was a funeral home. She didn't know this, because the Kinderstube just opened up in March '05. Despite all the painting and dramatic renovation that happened in and around the building this winter, Maggie's nose was still picking up the scent of formaldehyde? !

I don't know, but in any case, that's my sensitive girl!




"

best mom blog ever

Hey, I found this blog and have added it my "check regularly" list. So many blogs I've found are self-righteous, shallow, bossy or mean. Few I've found are worth the trouble of reading. Actually the only ones I read are by people I know in real life. Or that Tim knows in real life!

This blogis different, and now gets my full attention.

It's hard to read sometimes, but in my experience it's totally worth it. Man, if I were her I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown!

JRLC and CCCAN

I get emails from both of these organizations, and I think their work is really important. My friend Jody works atJRLC . Congregations Concerned for Children is under the umbrella of JRLC, and sends out Wednesday email to Minnesotans who want to contact our legislators about issues concerning children in this state. I haven't done much for them, but I hope to in the future. The emails let you know about issues that legislators need to hear from us on, and advise who to contact (letter, phone, email etc.)

I hope that somebody out there will read this post and take action!

why blog 2

My life has changed since I started this blog. I have changed since I started this blog! I've just come through the hardest, most intense year of my life, and this week I'm starting to feel more balanced again. I feel like I deserve to rest and be comfortable for a while, and am paying better attention to what takes my energy and what gives me energy. Perhaps this is one of the lessons of the past year for me: to honor the chi, the holy life force, and be clear about where it goes and where it comes from. Don't squander it on silly things like tiring friendships or caring too much what other people think!

This doesn't mean that I would change any of my choices of the past year. I'm very grateful that I got to spend the time I did with my mom, and that I got to show her how much I love her. I will always love her, and now know that love is what lives no matter what happens to our bodies. How lucky I am to know this! How blessed I am that Carol, one of the most loving creatures ever to walk this earth, was my mother.

So, now it is time to focus on what gives me energy, and then make the most of it. This blog was started as a way to connect to friends and family during a difficult time, to get support so that I could survive. It was a way to to tell my story. It was an experiment that I've learned so much from, and that has made my life better.

In the past weeks I've come to realize that the purpose of this blog has changed. I've realized that writing is something that gives me energy, fills me with life, and makes my life work better. I am attending to something sacred and true when I sit down with my IBook and write. (FYI, the IBook was a Mother's Day present from my mom. thanks Carol!) This is not something I could have known without the experiences of the past year.

Thinking about what I want to write also gives me tremendous energy, and that is what I am doing right now. Steeping, ruminating, taking the time and space I need to just be quiet. These acts give me life. So I'm thinking about Katy's questions and what I want to say to them and getting energized. Also thinking about the secret blog that I will start, that will be for my eyes only.

How could this not be one of the most exciting times of my life?

KatyM's questions

My fellow homeschooler and blogger, KatyM, posed these 5 questions to me as part of the "blogger asks blogger questions" game. When you see someone playing the game, you leave a message in their comments and then they send you their list of questions. I'd forgotten about it until I read Tim's blog today.

Katy's questions were so thoughtful that I'm going to have to steep in them for a while! Here they are:

Kate:
1) What is your ideal vacation?
2) What is your favorite childhood memory?
3) What is the sweetest thing Tim ever did for you?
4) Is there a certain event or time period that you would most want to relive with your mom?
5) If you could pursue any career, (pretend things like $,time, kids wouldn't stand in your way) what would it be?

In honor Mother's Day tomorrow, I think I will start with # 4. Just reading the question made me cry!

Time to go start steeping...

sleepless in Mpls.

I 'm having a hard time sleeping, and it is tiring! Got an RX for a drug called Trazadone last week. It is an older anti depressant that is prescribed in low doses for insomnia. I tried it last week one night, took one at 10:30 p.m. and was still awake at midnight, so took another.

Hey, the bottle said take 1-2, so I thought I was following directions!

Anyway, I was completey wasted the next day, couldn't drive my kids to Kinderstube because I was so dizzy from the meds that I couldn't walk a straight line. Felt like the bad part of being drunk, although I was still thinking relatively straight. Just couldn't physically function. So now I'm too nervous to take the stuff again, and prefer to choose insomnia instead. Will try a half pill tomorrow night and see if it helps, and if I can still function the next day. Can't afford to risk ruining tomorrow because I need to drive kids. plus being incapacitated is not my favorite state, especially since I am feeling more and more like myself and have things I want to accomplish.

have seen some good middle of the night movies on HBO. Have almost got "something's gotta give" memorized now, and have decided that Diane Keaton is the most charming and funny woman on the planet. She cracks me up every single time I watch that movie. And I think she is my new idol. Also have seen "Starsky and Hutch" about 6 times in the past week and a half. Who can ever get too much of Owen Wilson?

I highly recommend the new HBO movie "Warm Springs", about FDR and Eleanor and a polio therapy community he created in Georgia. It was wierd to see Miranda from SATCity playing Eleanor at first, with her fake front teeth and goofy lisp. But Cynthia Nixon pulls it off in the end because she is such a good actor.

I was at the Mac store the other day, trying out an iBook. I did a google search for my blog, just to see what came up. I found this post.

If you keep scrolling down you will find my blog listed as an example of ways that families use the internet to manage life during times of family caregiving crisis (my words).

So perhaps my writing here has had more purpose than just me blowing off steam? I like that thought.

Maureeny's Beginning

Before Maureen was conceived, I was not sure that I wanted to have more children. First there was the issue of my age (then 37), which my father in his typical sensitivity advised was "long of tooth". I also felt somewhat petrified about it, because I didn't know whether I could handle the challenges of 3 kids. Looking back now, I think my psyche may have had a heads up that life was about to knock the wind out of me. It just didn't know all the details, but had a general premonition of how hard things would get.

Anyway, I had a feeling that a third child was the right thing for me. It came and went and sort of tortured me. I was nervous about taking it on, but felt somehow called to give it a try. Tim was more certain than I was, and would shamelessly suggest that a sweet little soul was trying to make its way into our lives. What some men won't say to get a little action!

Needless to say, we opened up to the possibility one magical summer night, and BOOM! I was pregnant once again.

Today I ran across this Madeleine L'Engle poem that I had at the bottom of my outgoing email that summer. It goes partly like this:

After Annunciation

This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason
There'd have been no room for the child.

I love that poem, and see now it was a seed planting itself in me so that Maureen would get her chance to do the same!


BTW, and FYI to the curious, there is no way in hell that I will give birth again in this lifetime. My psyche is pretty darn clear that 3 is my magic number~!

my favorite grandma

----- Original Message -----
From: "Delores Wagner"
To: Katy
Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 1:27 PM


> You haven't answered my last e-mail. You must be realy busy! ilike to know how the kids are. Are you still home schooling? Have you looked at houses yet etc etc.. Nosy old grandma.



Grandma,

We are still working on getting the house ready to sell, but it is a slow process. I've also suffered a bit of a setback with depression, but am feeling better. Getting better seems to be two steps forward and one step back. So it goes.

We drove around looking at neighborhoods in Roseville yesterday, which is a suburb to the north of St. Paul. We don't know where we will end up quite yet, and but it will be St. Paul near the fairgrounds or Roseville I expect. Can't get too into looking until we have our house ready to go on the market, which doesn't happen overnight with 3 kids.

Maggie and Frank are going to a German speaking preschool, and Maggie is going to a German Immersion Charter school in St. Paul next year as a first grader. In a sense we will still keep homeschooling, but she will also be going to school and so will Frank. The language immersion is a great gift for their little brains, and something I definitely could not provide for them as a homeschooler! We are excited about it.

Hope you are well, and that I get to see you soon somehow.

Love, Katy

May 1, 2004

A year ago today it was Saturday. Tim was going to a PHP or PCP or some computer language sort of conference in Bloomington. Our baby's due date was April 28, but I would have been happy to be done with pregnancy by April 1 or earlier. The last part of this pregnancy was killer. I'd gained 60 pounds (I was tipping the scale at 197) and I felt like I was balancing a minivan on my pelvis. I was huge and exhausted and my bones felt like they would shatter from all the pressure. How in God's name do we women survive this?

So it was Saturday morning, and I was making phone calls to set up playtime for Maggie and Frank. Tim left early in the morning to go to his conference, and I needed a break from my kids. I'd talked to three people about taking them: David F., Kara and Rebecca. At 10:30 a.m. I was talking to Kara on the phone when my water broke. It was a shock since my water had never broken (?) until I was already to the pushing stage of labor, so I was definitely confused. I had been having painful contractions every 15 minutes for about an hour, and when the water broke these increased and got more frequent.

Meanwhile, Maggie and Frank were plopped in front of the TV, and I was writing notes and making lists for whoever would be taking care of my kids. Maggie took 21 hours to make her appearance after contractions started, and Frank took 14, so I just figured I had some time. Rebecca and Paul showed up with with their kids, and Rebecca talked me into calling the baby-line. I was in a hard place because I didn't feel ready to go to the hospital, but I didn't feel like hanging around the house with my kids either. And then there was Tim. Where the hell was he? My dad showed up to put some meals into our freezer, and offered to go find Tim. I said great, and called the nurseline. The nurse said that since my water'd broke, I needed to come in. Risk of infection, blah blah blah. I didn't feel like going and dealing with the hospital hysteria, but I didn't see a better option, so Rebecca drove me to Abbott Hospital and Paul stayed with the kids. I called my friend and doula Emily, and she said she'd meet me. I also called and left a message for Francesca, who I'd invited to come the hospital for the birth. On the way out the front door around 1:00 p.m., I noticed that the red tulips I'd planted the previous fall where finally popping. May Day!

The contractions were hard, but managable. We got to the hospital, and a nurse directed us to the triage room. The nurse had to verify that the fluid was amniotic, and that I was actually having contractions. See why I didn't look forward to going to the hospital?

I think I was dilated to 3cm, so they got me a room. Rebecca left to go check on kids, and she met up with Tim and took them all to a park. Emily and Francesa (my doulas!) met us and escorted me to my room. The nurse midwife came and checked me and said I was between 3-4 cm. and that it would be a while. I had to have an antibiotic IV because I had strep B bacteria. Again something I wasn't excited about, but I consented. How are people supposed to take these protocol seriously when they change so much from year to year? With Maggie there was no testing for Strep B, and with Frank I requested it and it was negative. Now it just seems like a big ass covering campaign by the healthcare industry as they make sure everyone is tested and hooked up to IVs if they test positive.

So I got the IV around 2:00 p.m., and started to feel the contractions more intensely. I chose not to get pain medication with any of my births because I have bad memories of getting very sick from anesthesia when I had eye surgeries and knee surgery when I was a kid. I wasn't interested in choosing something that might make me violently ill at the same time that I am trying to run the baby birthing marathon. Why risk make things harder when you are trying to do the most intense physical work of your life?

Needless to say, the next 2 hours sucked. I had never been in so much pain in my life. My only "relief" was walking from one end of the hospital room to the other, dragging the damn pole with me as I went. I tried getting into the warm shower, I tried sitting in a rocking chair, but nothing was helpful. Pacing the room was my only salvation. This pain was relentless and mind blowing and seemed much harder than my first 2 births. Considering the fact that my cervix was dilating from 4 cm to 10 cm in less than 2 hours, no wonder my body felt like it was splitting open. It really was!

The hardest contraction came as I was standing in the bathroom over the sink, crying to myself "I don't know if I can do this". I also knew that I had no choice, but I felt so weak! Emily called the midwife, who was with the patient next door who she'd expected to give birth before I would. HA! I would be the victor in this race!

I was on the bed and pushing within minutes. Oh my God did I want that baby OUT of my body! I had never had such a strong desire for something in my life. My muscles felt as powerful and smooth as a chestnut racehorse, launching herself forward to get to the end of her race. I wanted to be finished, and when the baby finally slipped out of my body I simply said, "I'm so glad that she is out!" The time was 4:12 p.m.

5 minutes later I heard Tim and Rebecca and the kids burst through the door of the hospital room. Emily looked at me, and reminded me that yes, I am now the mother of 3! No sweet virginal couple were Tim and I, cooing over a precious first child. We were a growing family, and I had to mother all of them! Insane? Absolutely. And there is nothing about the choices we've made over the past year that I would do differently.