first week

Saturday night I finished my first week on Effexor XR 75 mg. Now I'm bumped up to 150 mg, as this drug needs to start out low and move up after 1 week.

how do I feel? A little zingy in my head sometimes, like tingly and cool around my whole scalp. I like it. had a few headaches this week, which are not typical for me. Also told Tim yesterday that I think the drugs might be working because life looks "just fine" to me right now. Or could be a placebo effect, who knows.

Get to find out if it helps in stressful time when I go to Iowa for my great-aunt Mary's funeral on Wednesday. My brother is flying to Des Moines, and we will go together. He suggests that this visit might be "just what the doctor ordered" for me as it could provide closure? I'm not agreeing with that yet. Will see.

Day #1

Today is day 1 of Effexor. I took it last night before bed because I read that the drug can cause drowsiness.

Now I will have something real to talk about when I see the M.D. on December 1! Stay tuned for side effect advisories. I'm sure they will be fascinating.

Something's Gotta Give

I'm so bored and sick of this. I did everything "right" today, and still here I am in a shit hole. God damn it.

I tried to accomplish a task. I wanted to put plastic up on the big windows at the back of the kitchen, to keep the cold air out. It is frigid here today, and snow is making it's first nasty appearance of the season. Maureen was no help to me, with her whining and crying and "gimme gimme gimme". I could not find an extension cord to help make the hair dryer reach so that I could finish the job. So left the house a mess, peas and crackers and plastic forks strewn under the kitchen table. Went to the Y. Checked the kids in to "Kidstuff" for an hour, and got on a treadmill. Deep breathing helped me imagine all the gray and empty feelings shooting out of my body to somewhere far, far away. To the end of the universe. Did some qigong too, and felt kind of good after that. But morphed into a zombie again when I got behind the wheel of the van. Mo and F fell asleep as I moved us through traffic jams to pick up Maggie from school.

Reconsidering the new AD drug. Might take it before I see shrink #3 on Dec. 1. Have a stash of effexor downstairs, just have to go take it. Then pray that nothing bad happens to me, and that if I keep exercising the drugs will work faster. Tim is (supposed) to be around more over the next week because he's been working night and day on a project that is nearly finished. This could be a good time to try out the effexor. When I don't have to be solo parent in charge.

Now, I'm exhausted. I purchased the DVD "Something's Gotta Give", because I'm addicted to it. I don't have an explanation, except that it calms me down. I know the movie by heart, and I still laugh everytime Diane Keaton does her crying schtick. It's funny, I guess.

Jane Siberry with k.d. lang

A ton of people are finding this blog when they do a search for the song I blogged about, "Calling All Angels". My brother actually sent me a copy of the CD that my mom was listening to during her last weeks of life. It arrived here on my mom's birthday, but I didn't start listening to it until a few days ago. It's quite lovely music, and I believe I feel my mom's presence when I listen to her favorite songs.

Anyway, as a public service to those who want to find that particular song, it is the second cut on a CD called "In Search of Angels". It is the soundtrack to a public television special by the same name. I don't know what public television company made it, I'm just getting this info from the liner notes. My brother got the CD from Amazon.

Maureen C. was there

Last St. Patrick's day my brother flew here and then drove down to my grandma's house to pack up some of my mom's stuff. I was supposed to go with him, but I was incapacitated. And anyway, it was his turn to manage the loopy family dynamics since I got to do most of it before my mom died.

Mike drove down with my dad, who then drove back here with a pickup truck full of boxes. Because I knew we were going to move east of the river at some point, I found a storage locker in preparation for our eventual move. The first things that went into the locker were the boxes of my mom's belongings.

Now we are gradually unloading the locker, and this week I got to the back of it. I'm not ready to dive into most of the papers and letters etc, but I did find one piece of history that was funny. It's an English class journal from 6th grade, and Mrs. Marlowe's 6th period class.

As embarassing as this is, I will share a short, short story that I wrote in that journal. My friend Maureen ("Wendy"), who reads my blog, will enjoy a good laugh from this one.

Once there was a pretty girl named Amy and a boy named David who disliked each other very much. Or at least they thought that they did.

One cool spring day Amy was walking home from school with her friend Wendy. Suddenly David and his friend Paul came up behind Amy and pulled her arms behind her back. Somehow Amy managed to swing around and punch David in the nose.

David and Paul ran away and left Amy alone for a long time.

Grandparent's Day at Friend's School

My friend Jody's daughter, Cassandra, is in kindergarten at the Friend's School. Tomorrow they are celebrating Grandparent's Day. None of Cassie's grandparents can make it (two of them live in Chile), so Jody asked Cassandra if there is anyone else she would like to invite. Cassie decided that she would like my friend Rebecca and I to be her fill-in grandparents! What an unexpected honor! And I'm excited about making my first visit to the much respected Friend's School.

hitting home

Mo and F and I walked to our polling place yesterday with neighbor Mary, who vouched for me so that I could vote. Mary has lived in the neighborhood for decades, as many of the people around here have also. Mary knows everyone, she is very energetic, and she used to edit the neighborhood newspaper. She now writes the obituaries for the paper, as the previous long time obit writer recently passed away herself. I like Mary, and I will learn a lot about the neighborhood from her as she seems to know everyone. She is a good egg.

Mary told me that the woman of the couple we bought this house from was just diagnosed with brain lesions. It is metastasised lung cancer, which is exactly what my mom had. Mary is organizing food and rides for the couple, who have 3 daughters who are scattered across the country.

I didn't have time or space to have an emotional response to this news during the day yesterday, but as soon as I was alone in the car last night, the feelings started to flow out.

Those poor daughters! How helpless they must feel, watching their mother go through the trauma of this news. How scary and painful it is to watch someone you love try to make sense out of a head filled with cancer. It's just god damn awfully wrong, and I'm sad that this family has to go through it. Everyone I meet in the neighborhood tells me that our house is full of happy memories, for the family who lived here as well as for their friends in the neighborhood. The neighbors paint a picture of a warm and joyful home, and an openness to sharing these gifts with others. Although it has not been said, it's clear from the way neighbors tell their stories that the family we bought the house from did not want to let go of it. And now they are being called upon to continue letting go of even more of what they love.

Isn't this infuriating? Who designed this system called Life, where so much suffering is just part of the deal? Slam to the head with a brick, and then bam! Crack the skull open with another. How do we survive all this loss and pain? How do we even keep standing? We don't, I think. Or at least I don't. Not without being bloodied and bruised and scathed and scarred.

I went to see the herbalist the other day, to follow up on the flower essences she gave me 3 weeks ago. Talking to her was more valuable than any therapy session I've had lately. I complained about not bouncing back fast enough, not getting on my feet as quickly and as steadily as I would like. Lise is from New York, and she is very blunt. "Your mother died, your kids got hurt, you moved and haven't sold your house and your husband just started a demanding new job. What makes you think this is a time to be bouncing?"

She's right. And I'm right to know that feeling like a loser and waking up to worry every night are signs that this is more than grief and stress. Made an appointment with an new psych. M.D. for Dec. 1. Plan to keep exercising and trying to eat more green food and less drive-thru carbs. So far the exercise is definitely helping.

RLP blogs about meds

I don't routinely read this blog, but Matt J. sent the link to me. I know where RLP is coming from because I have been there, knowing the difference between my depressed self and my higher functioning self. Thanks to Matt for reminding me that I am capable of knowing the difference!

sudafed

I took Maureen to the new 24 hour CVS last night to get some baby sudafed. First, there was no children's sudafed on the shelf, so I had to go to the pharmacy and ask. They keep the hard stuff behind the counter as an effort to control meth lab fun seekers. I guess it's been a while since I bought "nose medicine", because until last night I have never had to give my name and address and signature to anyone so that I can keep my kids from snotting all night. Wow. I wonder if this is really working at controlling meth-making?

am I missing something?

Lord, help me! Mother of God, pray for me.

I was getting out of my car one evening when I thought I detected the scent of incense. It must have been someone having an after dinner fire in a nearby home, but it really got me going. It reminded me of taking Maggie to 9:30 mass when she was an infant. For several days afterward I would enjoy the rosey smell of incense in her sweet baby hair. I would postpone bathing her that week, so I could continue taking in this physical and wonderful perk to being a Catholic.

Today I had a strong desire to go to church, and to the Basilica, specifically. I considered going to a vespers service this afternoon, but chickened out. Also toyed with the idea of going to the first of a new lecture series on Eucharistic spirituality, which was started in honor of a Basilica member who trained me and many others as an extraordinary minister of the Eucharist. I found plenty of valid, daily life excuses for not going, but mostly I didn't have energy for a crowd. Or for small talking with people I haven't seen for months and months.

So I do feel a hole in my life since I'm not going to church. And then I have Frank asking me, "when can we go back to the Atrium?"

Have I let go of too much too fast? Would a slower voyage into unchurched world have made more sense? I'm proving every day how bad I am with change, and maybe I've bit off more than I can chew? I don't know, but I also must admit to appreciating a new sense of calm in our Sunday morning schedule.

Also made a vow yesterday to get back to the habit of cardio exercise before I decide whether to take the new AD drug. Yesterday was a fairly good day, but today stunk. I went running both days, and recognize that it helped. Running can not be my sport, though, as my knees will not put up with it. I also asked my friend for her opinion on what I should do about the drug since I'm scared about taking it. She said, "Take it anyway". This from Rebecca, who is not usually so direct in her speech! I'm not taking the effexor yet, because I'm not ready to give in. The known of this minor depression is more acceptable to me than the unknown side effects of the drug.

Tomorrow I will try Bodypump at the Y, which is cheaper than going to boxing. Plus my self esteem is presently in the crapper, which makes showing up at the boxing gym seem like a sad joke.