bad scan

My mom had an MRI of her head today. The laser doctor called tonight and asked to speak with me about the results. The news was bad.

Prayers and thoughts are appreciated.

International RadioSurgery Association

I just spent time on the IRSA website reading emails from brain tumor patients who have had the same laser surgery my mom had. Today she is dizzy and said she felt like she was going to take a "nose dive" in the kitchen, so she went downstairs and stayed all afternoon and evening.

Apparently every case is different and there are no clear cut answer about post surgery side effects. Except that there should be none for most patients. A small percentage have brain swelling a few months after the treatment. Perhaps she is one of them? Except that she doesn't feel like the decadron is making any difference. She also wonders if the anti-nausea drug she was taking to deal with the side effects of decadron is causing the dizziness. She will stop taking that today and see what happens.

Monday she will see the oncologist and get the first of a week's worth of chemotherapy. I really don't know how her body even begins to sort out all the drugs and treatment it is subjected to.

my sassy grandma's email

Grandma Wagner is 93, and sharper than all of us put together.

Katy, Since you don't answer your phone I'll try e-mail. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Penny & Susie helped clean out the phone closet Also now have a paper shreader & a better micro wave.How's your life going now?

Proud Mama

I created this almost all by myself!

EDN Website

Since Tim has been home for the past few days, I've been able to get some work hours in. It has been really fun! I didn't know it was so easy to make a website. And I LOVE the feeling of accomplishing a task from start to finish. Something my life lacks these days.

This site was needed because the old one was made by someone in Mississippi(?) and doesn't reflect our current work at all. I love the new look as well as the content.

ferberize 2

Tonight I celebrate success. I ferberized my baby, and now I am sitting in front of the computer with a bottle of cabernet listening to the Van Morrison CD I just got from the library.

I believe that by the weekend we will be sleeping 8 straight hours a night every night, and that is the best news I've had in many moons.

Viva le Dr. Ferber!

camper fun

Maureen the beautiful

In the front seat of grandpa John's new camper van.

Gym & Swim

This is Maggie at her Swim and Gym class. The girl next to her is Jossy, our homeschool friend and KatyM's daughter. The shadowy figure to the right is the gym teacher who Maggie says is mean. The girls are about to climb on the climbing wall.

Frank

http://www.momscancer.com/

Two people sent me this link today. Tim thought I'd secretly written it.

I'd like to throw chap, 28 in a few loved ones' faces.

http://www.momscancer.com/

Saturday night at the Y

We have begun a family ritual of going the Southdale Y on Saturday nights. This past weekend I thrilled my children by joining them in the swimming pool with baby Maureen.

Maggie was so excited. She didn't know whether to believe me when I told her that I could swim, so she gave me a test. She was surprised and impressed when I proved my ability by swimming down to the deep end and back.

It was pure joy to see Maggie and Frank close up in the pool. They are both learning fast and having so much fun. Maggie is a proud little fish, and so happy. Frank is now joining everyone in the big pool instead of sitting on the bench wrapped in a towel. He has a blast being pulled around in the water by me or by Tim.

Maureen-ey looked SO CUTE in her little yellow swimsuit. She loves to watch the others in action while we hold her and let her splash around with her hands.

Saturday night at the Y with these kids is so much fun, it makes me wonder why I didn't start having children long before I did! But if I would have started earlier, then I wouldn't have these precious little cuties to love.

"staggery"

My mom finally got a call back from the M.D. who did her brain laser surgery, and I heard her tell him that she had been feeling "staggery" and drunk. She says she has been feeling like this since she went to Iowa. She has also been taking some narcotics for her back pain, so who the hell knows? But the doctor advised her to go on a low dose of Decadron, which is the steroid used to reduce brain swelling that could contribute to impaired walking. It is not unusual for the brain to swell a few months after laser surgery. Nonetheless, I don't much like the sound of this.

She did go to Cub with Maggie and I tonight, and it was her first outing since Thursday. She had been fearful about falling down somewhere in public. I suggested that if she is going to fall because her legs aren't working right, it will happen no matter where she is. And the paramedics would have an easier time caring for her in the spacious aisles of Target. She didn't find that funny.

Anyway, she is excited about Thanksgiving and making the dressing and pies. Frank is excited because he thinks that Thanksgiving now guarantees that it is also "snowtime". I hope not because I don't want my mom getting any more shut-in.

Hilary

My friend Hilary just started blogging. Unfortunately she was prompted by a family crisis. She is usually in Berlin, but now she is in New Mexico with her parents.




http://hilaryhilary.blogspot.com/

Grandma Ellen

During the month of November, the Basilica (and the rest of the Catholic Church) remembers all those who have gone before us. Parishioners are invited to bring photos of their beloved dead and place them on the side altars in the church. Last Sunday Maggie and Frank brought a photo of their grandma Ellen. This picture is one of the few ways they have to know their grandmother, who died 10 months before Maggie was born.

The picture is black and white, probably taken in the late 70s or early 80s. I think Tim's uncle Brad took it, I imagine around a holiday. Ellen's hair is up in a bun, and she is wearing little wire glasses. Her smile is genuine, relaxed and happy.

Another picture the kids have to know Ellen by is a snapshot with a date printed on the border: JAN 77. She is sitting on the floor reading a Richard Scarry book to four small children. The kids are in pajamas on sleeping bags. Next to his mom is little Mike, whose "I'm looking for trouble" smile looks just like Frankie! Peeking from behind Ellen is their cousin Katherine, holding a little doll, sweet and shy. Her brother Sean is next to her, casting bright and admiring eyes at his aunt Ellen. Serious faced Matt is in the background with rosy cheeks and round eyes that remind me of my baby Maureen.

Ellen is looking at the camera with a slightly tired expression, like she's just spent the past month baking and wrapping and figuring out where to hide Santa's pack of surprises. And maybe a little bit like "why are you taking my picture right now?!" But she also looks like she is at ease and present. This presence, I've come to learn, is the most important thing we give to kids because it's all they truly want. Ellen shared her presence, and this picture shows that the children in her life were clearly basking in it.

ferberization #1

In progress.
Baby screaming to high heaven.
I turned baby monitor off.
I type here and enjoy it.

Oh! It got quiet!

Oh! Tim went in and picked her up.
Grrrr!

Now he's in the doorway holding her. Sleepy line between his eyes. Grumpy man!

Baby girl with sparkly-eyed smile. Snuffling from forgotten wave of tears.

*Sigh*

What's a mama to do?

nak!

St. Paul

Have I ever told you how my heart sings when I cross the Mississippi and enter our capital city? Everything changes for me - my blood pressure goes down, my pupils dilate, anxieties and stresses melt away and I know that my soul can relax in her home-town sanctuary.

So the news is that we are moving, to the West Como neighborhood. That is the sweet little area between the fairgrounds on Snelling and the Como Park where the Zoo and Conservatory are housed. When? As soon as we can. That means sometime in the next year, hopefully. Looking at our lives there is no rational reason to think we can afford it or that it is even possible, but I promise you that it is going to happen.

depression

I think my mom is depressed. She has had a cold all weekend, but it got her further down than a cold usually would. She spent most of Saturday and Sunday in her room, her space heater blasting and her electric blanket cranked to 10. She is often complaining, in indirect ways, that our house is too cold. (It's not.) This from the woman who used to wear t-shirts throughout the winter because her body temperature was always on high.

She had a great trip back to Iowa for her class reunion, and loved seeing her old friends and getting lots of attention from all corners. My mom thrives on being the center of attention, and this was good for her. I think it was hard for her to see that life in her house with grandma is not the same since the cousins moved in to look after her, though. Mom was not needed in the same way that she once was, and this trip she was being cared for by the cousins as well.

For the past few days I've had the feeling that my mom thinks of our home as her home now. It is hard to imagine her going back to Iowa because it will really be the beginning of a new chapter of her life. Of all of our lives, really.

She is scheduled for chemo again the week after Thanksgiving, then another CT scan in mid December. Her last scan was very good, as the cancer in the lungs and liver had responded well to the treatment. If the next scan is good, then her next round of chemo may be her last one.

Can you believe....

Tim set up my blog counter so I can see where people come from when they visit my blog. Most come from Francesca's blog, interestingly enough! Anyway some freak got to my blog by doing a popdex search on "Mary-Kate and Ashley nude"!!!!!!

I have no doubt that my good friend Ted will not resist leaving a crude comment to this post!

Spring Forest Qigong

I've learned a lot about about complimentary and alternative healing in the past few months, mostly through my visits to Pathways with my mom. We took a class in Spring Forest Qigong (chee kung) at Pathways, and I took an additional one day class with Master Chunyi Lin at Normandale in Bloomington.

Several things attracted me to this yoga-like tai chi exercise and meditation. I started out wanting to do qigong so that my mom would try it. Since then she has made it abundantly clear that she is not interested! So, now I've begun doing it for myself. I figure if it could help people with life-threatening illness, maybe it could help me with sanity-threatening stress? This also taught me an important life lesson - that my mom's illness belongs to her, and it is her business how she chooses to deal with it. Even if I'm completely sure that I know what is best for her(!), it doesn't matter because it is ultimately not my business what she does about her cancer. What follows from that, of course, is that my stress belongs to me and it is up to me to figure how to make it manageable.

Second, qigong is beautiful to watch, very graceful and flowing. When I practice it, especially the "breathing of the universe" exercise, I feel like I am graceful, beautiful and flowing. To be able to say this 6 months post-partum is a little miracle in itself! I also like the challenge of remembering the moves of the more complicated exercises, and trying to do them as beautifully as the Master does.

Also, I met two women whose cancer went into "spontaneous remission" after they began doing the exercise on a daily basis. These are just regular Minnesota ladies who hit the wall with conventional medicine, were told that they did not have long in this world, and felt desperate enough to try something kind of wacky. Both women have baffled their doctors by remaining cancer free for the past 3 years.

Doing qigong means getting up very early, or staying up very late because these are the only times when I can be quiet and alone. I love doing qigong, and I truly believe that it has helped me keep myself balanced emotionally and physically over the past few weeks of intensity and confusion.

I also recently discovered the Bill Moyers video set called "Healing and the Mind", which is available through the Hennepin County Library. Anyone interested should check out the episode called "The Mystery of Chi".

rough night

What I've been dreading about this season in Minnesota has finally happened. My mom and I have sore throats, Frank is stuffed up, Maggie is an emotional wreck and babykins got her first head cold. I hate this.

After our trying 3 times to get the baby into her crib last night, Tim finally gave in and brought her into our bed where she quickly fell asleep. For an hour. Then it was rolling around, snuffling, crying frustration because she couldn't breathe and nurse at the same time. Luckily she has settled down now and is hopefully sleeping the virus out of her body.

I think we will move to a blue state in a sunny climate the next chance we get.

Uncle Mike comes home

My mom called me from the road that Tuesday to tell me she was driving Mike back to Iowa. She had been in Schaumburg for the past 4 weeks, assessing the situation and figuring out what to do next. He hadn't been to work for 2 weeks, and he was letting her drive him to doctor appointments and to the grocery store. He spent most of his time now in his recliner, dozing on morphine. He didn't want to leave, but my mom said she needed to check on their mother in Iowa and that he should come with her. Before they left, she got his will updated and gave his parrot to one of his co-workers.

Thursday evening I arrived in Ottumwa with 24 strawberry Ensures and a dozen chocolate puddings. This was all Mike was able to eat now. When I walked in he was reclining in the living room with a blanket on his lap, watching CNN. His face was the color of ash, and he looked like he hadn't eaten in months. I asked "How are you Uncle Mike?". It took all his effort to smile and answer. "Oh, fair to midline."

My mom was exhausted. She had not had a full night's sleep since they'd arrived. Mike would call her name every couple of hours for help getting to the commode and help taking his pills. Mom said she had an appointment for him to see a doctor on Monday. I said maybe we should push that up a little.

Friday morning we called the doctor and explained our situation. The hospice nurse, Sue, made her first visit around noon. We hired someone to sit up with Mike that night so we could get some sleep.

Good Christian Voter

I am not a single-issue voter.

I believe that poverty - caring for the poor and vulnerable - is a religious issue. Do the candidates' budget and tax policies reward the rich or show compassion for poor families? Do their foreign policies include fair trade and debt cancellation for the poorest countries? (Matthew 25:35-40, Isaiah 10:1-2)

I believe that the environment - caring for God's earth - is a religious issue. Do the candidates' policies protect the creation or serve corporate interests that damage it? (Genesis 2:15, Psalm 24:1)

I believe that war - and our call to be peacemakers - is a religious issue. Do the candidates' policies pursue "wars of choice" or respect international law and cooperation in responding to real global threats? (Matthew 5:9)

I believe that truth-telling is a religious issue. Do the candidates tell the truth in justifying war and in other foreign and domestic policies? (John 8:32)

I believe that human rights - respecting the image of God in every person - is a religious issue. How do the candidates propose to change the attitudes and policies that led to the abuse and torture of Iraqi prisoners? (Genesis 1:27)

I believe that our response to terrorism is a religious issue. Do the candidates adopt the dangerous language of righteous empire in the war on terrorism and confuse the roles of God, church, and nation? Do the candidates see evil only in our enemies but never in our own policies? (Matthew 6:33, Proverbs 8:12-13 )

I believe that a consistent ethic of human life is a religious issue. Do the candidates' positions on abortion, capital punishment, euthanasia, weapons of mass destruction, HIV/AIDS-and other pandemics-and genocide around the world obey the biblical injunction to choose life? (Deuteronomy 30:19)


http://go.sojo.net/campaign/takebackourfaith

Here is a clip of our moral and upstanding leader on the day he celebrated a victory:


http://static.vidvote.com/movies/bushuncensored.mov/

I was trying to roll with the post-election punches, but this makes me feel truly sick about the next four years and beyond. And angry that so many Americans really believe they voted for the best man.

little Mr. Contrary

Tim took the kids to our voting place yesterday. Maggie got to participate in a kid's vote because she is a kindergartner. Frank did not get to participate, and he was mad. He walked up to the kid's vote table, slapped his hand down hard and said "I want to vote for GEORGE BUSH!".

That is all we heard from him yesterday after we told him we were voting for the other guy.